glimpse

i'm moving

2011-02-05T00:05:00.000-05:00

I know. You shouldn't change your blog often. But I am. It's Melissa's fault. She switched and got me thinking about some things. And if you want to hear about them, you'll go to casalengo.wordpress.com. I'm over there now.

heart stirrings. Kingdom.

2010-10-31T23:05:00.000-05:00

I have been attending Bloom church for a few weeks now. Andrew Arndt has been teaching through the Sermon on the Mount. The past two teaching have been on prayer.

He shared something about how, to find out the main point of Greek writing, you look at the center of what is written. If you look at the center of the Sermon on the Mount, you find prayer. And if you look to the center of the writing on prayer, you find Kingdom. For some reason, this brings tears to my eyes. I understand so little about what it looks like to actively engage the Kingdom of God and be a vessel of His Kingdom becoming reality on this earth. But, unlike every before, my very being yearns to foster this reality - for my life to be an avenue through which God is able to restore His creation to Himself.

Do you know how radically that has been changing my view of life, at its very core? How it changes the message of Jesus? How an absurdly impossible call to life, that we find in the pages of Scripture are transformed to a reality that we are chosen vessels – an avenue through which God will accomplish His purposes?

I know without doubt that I am not the person I was only a few years ago. Not in the simple way of growing up and learning more about life, hobbies and interests evolving and such. But literally, elements of my inner being have changed. The capacity within me to love a person, the yearning for truth, the struggle to surrender things that I once fully believed to be my entitled right, and other aspects. In recent conversations, I have wished that people could have a glimpse at the person who once existed. Not for recognition or the opportunity to boast, but for hope for redemption and evidence of healing. The deeper Christ calls me, the more I am finding freedom in my inability to exist as anything good apart from the abounding grace of God. Hopefully this is only the beginning.

In the not so distant past, if asked if I truly believed that it was possible for me to exist as a new creation, I would have had significant doubts. I had spent years striving…and miserably failing. I believed I was the exception and deep inside, didn’t know if the power of the Cross was enough to redeem my brokenness. Filthy pride.

And what am I learning now? To surrender…continually. To surrender to a life greater than my own. I am learning to believe that the Kingdom of God is the only cause worth surrendering my life to. That while difficult, there is much life and freedom. That to hear faint beatings of the heart of God for this world is the most heartbreaking and precious sound. May I continue to press in closer…

Haiti

2010-10-30T18:45:00.000-05:00

For some time I have wanted to write about my experience in Haiti. This will not be a complete account - that would make this unbearably long to read...

Our method of entry into the country was an all day bus trip from Santo Domingo in the Dominican Republic. The bus ride was fantastic - air conditioning, a little space, time to be still. We crossed the border while it was still daylight and my first thoughts were, "This is what it looks like in the movies when they're showing border crossings in the middle east." The images are still incredibly vivid. Desolate. Broken. Hard. We made it through successfully, after experiencing a few... hiccups on the Haitian side with the supplies we were trying to bring into the country. But everything made it in. A couple of students felt what it was like to encounter the darker side of the spiritual realm we live in for the first time. The mood for the following hours and miles as we drove into Port Au Prince was somber and quiet as physical darkness began to fall. Personally, I couldn't help but smile...God had something in store.

Despite our arrival that was 2-3 hours later than anticipated and confusion on where exactly the bus would drop us off, our in-country contacts picked us up and carried us to the home of Carl & Maya Gilles - Global Partners missionaries. They joyfully welcomed us into their home, had an AMAZING Haitian meal prepared and showers and clean bed ready. The 12 or so hours we spent in their home, before heading to our site for the week were so incredible. If you have a few moments, read their bio on their website. This couple and their 3 daughters is one of the most beautiful families I have encountered. Such an incredibly God-story and Kingdom hearted people.

Our next journey led us to Petit Goave, Haiti. A two hour drive turned into a five hour drive in a caged-in flat bed truck with wooden benches in it. To be honest, I miss that thing. It amazing how creative a person can be as they try and discover the most comfortable way to travel...

The drive was filled with images that will forever be imprinted in my mind, aromas that I have no doubt will trigger memories if encountered again, flattened and crumbling structures, tent cities, and people - so many people. Any time the vehicle stopped, we were immediately swarmed with people selling water, bread, candy, merchandise and other things I can only guess as to what they were.

We finally arrived at the Wesleyan compound. Our anticipated home of tents turned out to be a cement bunkhouse with metal bunk beds available for the team - we were so grateful. That day we unpacked, met our contacts, hung mosquito nets, became somewhat familiar with our surroundings and started working.

Our work for the day - three hours picking up concrete pieces that were the remains of the wall that once surrounded the the compound, put them into bags that once contains concrete mix, carried the full bags across the road, dumped them and repeated the process. After doing this multiple times over the next week, the main thought that stayed with me was, "Of course this country remains destroyed." At the time, there was no plan for clean-up, never mind rebuilding. This thought launched stirrings in my heart that I continue to wrestle through.

Throughout the week we did VBS at various schools and tent cities in the surrounding areas. We built relationships with our translators and tried to figure out what exactly God was asking of us during our time there. The only thing we knew to do was to love. For me, this was abnormally difficult.

My heart was weary. I didn't understand how I was to communicate the love of Jesus to a people who knew a completely different life than I can even comprehend, even prior to the earthquake. The believers we encountered know a faith that rocked my world. I was frustrated at my lack of understanding and the numbness of my heart. I asked and pleaded with God to move, to reveal, to do...something. And I remained empty. So what do I do when I'm empty? I contribute physically - I do something. Quickly my physical strength was zapped. And by zapped I mean that there were times when it took all of my mental capacity to put one foot in front of the other. I didn't understand. Emptiness plagued me for the course of the week and I felt utterly helpless. By the grace and strength of God alone, I was able to engage throughout the week and love the people we encountered with a love entirely outside of myself. But I questioned what exactly we were really doing.

I have a relatively good amount of international travel in my experience. Never have I wanted to leave the place I was in. In fact, it is one of the places I am most comfortable - in a culture completely foreign to me. But I was ready to leave Haiti. Our truck pulled up seven days later and I was all to glad to get on - and I felt guilty. But we headed back to Port au Prince for a day of debrief before getting on a plane and heading back to the U.S. It would be about a week later before I would begin to understand what exactly happened.

We were at Bethel College in Mishawaka, IN, getting ready to dive into KBM's Deep Camp. Our team was sitting with John Vermilya, a KBM itinerant speaker and raised in Port au Prince. As I sat and listened to his heart for the Haitian people and saw his passion and love for this country, as well as the difficulty, I felt like my heart was able to breathe again. This country is broken...it's history begs the question if it is even able to be restored. As I listened to John share of the country's history and hear about the reality of it's people, my heart broke and my love for them deepened. The glimpses of beauty that I encountered while there grew in their impact. My hope was ignited. I wanted to go back.

I hope that one day I will be able to return to this country. To it's people. To do what? I have no idea. But I do believe that I serve a God that enters into the deepest of brokenness and darkness and restores. And I trust that our time in Haiti was not without purpose. And I am grateful for a God who is greater than my capacity to understand Him or this world I live in.

longing

2010-10-25T20:39:00.000-05:00

The following words are a collection of thoughts that came pouring out of my heart a couple of months ago, as the decision to move to Colorado full time was moving into reality....

So often the desires and longings that reside within us are misunderstood, abused and destroyed. We have been created in the image of God with great intention. So in struggle, do we seek to know the heart of God? Do we want to look past the initial face of our experience to know more intimately the passion of our God? Most of the time the answer is no. We ignore. We gratify. We indulge. We allow misdirected desire to lead us down paths of guilt and shame. But as I journey and am forced to deal with this aspect of my intentional creation, I am forced to believe there must be something more.

We, as humans, have been intentionally created to long for satisfaction. For connection. For intimacy. And so many times we stop at that point. It’s gratifying and meets the immediate perceived need. There is a basic human need for love. We look to the Creation story and see that relationship is demanded. We will feel incomplete without it at some level.

Currently, I find myself in a place of longing. There is a simple desire for relationship - community. To be pursued and known by those I trust and know. Friendships have emerged with an unexplainable heart connection and it’s undeniable that it’s Kingdom connection. But limited time creates unfulfilled longing. There is always the potential for unhealthy expectation and dependency, but I do believe that God intended us to long for relationship. Community has been crafted into our DNA. We may be fearful and cautious, but the desire to know and be known tells us that it’s worth the risk. We experience delight and disappointment in the humanness of this world. What I am seeing is that even with all the time I desire and all the pursuit I can handle, satisfaction will never be achieved. There will never be the moment of complete contentment.

So now what? Do I simply sit and wait? Not this time. I’m asking and searching. And in searching, I am encountering a God that groans for His creation. Yearning for His people to receive Him. To be captured by Him. To risk it all, lay before him, uncovered and raw, and allow Him to respond. The God I have encountered is unexpected. A Gentleman. A Lover. The Pursuer of my heart – the entirety of my heart. He delights over me. Dances over me. Dreams over me. Sees me fully. Knows me fully. And loves me completely.

Over the past years, there has been an unfolding and evolving display of my posture towards God and His response to me…

It began with a girl kneeling, arms hanging to her sides, and head hung in shame. And there was a man standing before her with a deep look of compassion on His face. The man extended His hands to the girl and in His eyes was communicating a longing to redeem. The girl, after a time, reaches her hands up – first in desperation, then in surrender. The man steps forward and so gently cups his hands beneath her chin, whispers “child,” and slowly lifts her face towards His own. As her head is being lifted, an internal battle rages. “Can I trust Him? Do I dare meet my eyes with His? What if He sees?” She cautiously decides she has no other option. As her eyes lift to meet this man, she breaks. In his eyes, she sees herself – every part of it. He sees her. And there is no judgment. No accusation. Only love. After a time, He raises her to her feet and she dances and rejoices in worship. It can be her only response. And now. Now He reaches out, takes her in His arms, and holds her. And she presses in. She hears the life of His heart beating and rests in that place, staying as close as possible. She wants to know Him.

And it is not over. Their relationship will continue to evolve and flow. But the Truth of this relationship is that the Man will only call the girl deeper - to greater intimacy. He will continue to know her and receive her. And the most beautiful part of their relationship will be His offering for her to know Him. To enter into His dwelling place and know levels of intimacy and trust that she is unable to comprehend. He will invite her to abide with Him. And it is only in this place, that she will find complete satisfaction.

wrestle with transition

2010-10-04T23:20:00.000-05:00

The thoughts below are the simple expression, often composed of fragmented sentences, of the struggle to live in a new place:

This week has been difficult. As I navigate in the location that is now home, my heart has been breaking and I don’t know why. Tears are often on the verge of falling. The desire to cry out and to shut down, daily have a show down. Usually emotions are bottled up and I try to pursue the daily activities of my life. But something is locked up. I don’t know if it’s good or painful. Right now there is much pain. Perhaps emptiness? It’s really difficult to tell.

It began as I walked off the plane in Toronto. In the drive to Kitchener. In the awkward silence of much time spent in traffic. In questions asked and answered. In running errands. Solving problems. Seeing reality. Serving quietly. Sharing intentionally. Observing. Feeling known and yet not quite. Knowing and not fully. Living in community.

Perhaps that’s it. I miss community. Community of the day-to-day. I, a self-proclaimed independent and self-sufficient being, long for community. I miss the conversations that demand more effort than information to simply fill time. Of being able to share space with someone who will ask the difficult questions and call out the struggle they see. To share in joy and pain with. There have been times when the expression of my heart is met with silence. That is okay – nothing wrong. But calls to the longing of wanting to be known.

Yesterday granted relief. Hope. A conversation shared in front of a café in downtown Denver. A new friend. A friend who dared to share the stories of her journey with loneliness and longing for a different place, closer friends, and true community. I listened a lot. She shared much. It was a gift of trust and beauty. The heart’s expression is always beautiful.

Tonight reminded me that we do not walk this journey alone. As I shared a conversation with a friend that is 1,500 miles away, I was reminded that being alive is walking fully aware. Over 1.5 hours, our conversation brought tears and laughter and moments of silence that were not awkward. Those are treasured minutes. I was convinced yet again that authenticity is worth it. And it is beautiful. Beautiful to not be satisfied with anything less than was is true. It is there I have encountered the Holy. Such peace and goodness can coexist with loneliness.

Tonight...tonight the heaviness is much lighter. I am grateful. For friends. For a patient and gentle God. For the quiet Voice that continues to call me to trust.

Ontario

2010-10-03T23:53:00.001-05:00

My time this summer gifted me a friendship with the directors of Urban Ex - an organization out of Toronto that "engages people of all ages and all walks of life o examine their perspectives by walking a mile in other people's shoes so that they can live more authentically, enabling them to make more intentional and effective change in their communities." The time I spent with them redefined they way I interact with the world around me.

After the days this summer shared with Em Johnson and Alan Waugh, there has been an urgency to go to Toronto and walk with them for a bit. This past week was the fulfillment of that. I cannot begin to express the life experienced. As I was sharing a bit about the trip recently, someone made the observation that I looked very full. It was a much better account of how I felt than what I was attempting to communicate. My heart was full. And it has left me torn. And also left me in wonder.

The days spent in Kitchener and Cambridge were absurdly simple. Sharing meals, meeting friends, watching TV, driving, preparing, silly adventures, much laughter. And it was comfortable. Silence wasn’t awkward. Random conversations were in abundance. Deep questions and deep answers shared. Authenticity was given freedom. I believe it to be the type of community we are called to. The joy in the slow journey of loving and trusting is absurdly beautiful. My heart beat more fully.

My final day was spent in Toronto. And when I say day, I mean until 3am when we had to leave to go to the airport so I could catch my 6am flight.

Toronto. Incredible. Life pulsed through my veins as we walked the city for 13 hours. Meeting people, walking intentional steps and experiencing beautiful moments. I would go many more nights without sleep for more times like that. Life. Again, as I walked in lifestyles very different from the one that is familiar, there was joy. A knowledge that the abnormal is where I am comfortable. Stepping into different cultures, countries, situations (sometimes less than safe) – I come alive and have peace. The moments I walk away with leaving the deepest impressions, would, to some, seem insignificant.

Lunch listening to an accordion while observing an elderly gentlemen sitting close by, captured by the music
Purchasing earrings from a gentleman who see’s the potential of the unwanted and discarded
Walking the path of two friends who have abandoned logic and security to pursue a calling that is unveiling eyes one life at a time
Imagining a reality other than the one before me as places and people were explained and referenced
An alley of graffiti paired with a reminder that I am absurdly awkward despite the desire to be a little more free

Coffee. A lot of delicious coffee.
Watching films that demanded reflection on the unknown broken stories of the people we pass every day paired with painful memories of my own journey and gratefulness for healing
A couple of hours watching a man work and speak. Work with intensity and passion as he carved soap. Speak with freedom. Freedom of revelation, joy, honesty and lack of self-consciousness. What a powerful display of life and beauty.

Church. A sanctuary. Determination to never abandon the belief that all people are to be loved well. That the call to community was not accompanied with restrictions and limitations.
The most intentional walk seemingly going nowhere. A few tears fell.
Bright lights. Fountains. And more awkwardness. Which turned into so much laughter and fun.

Good conversation shared over dinner – a deeper glimpse into the hearts of friends
Walking the streets, observing the interesting, entertaining and at time stupid behaviors of people with too much time and money on their hand. And yet, in the insanity, your heart breaks for the emptiness that must reside inside if they feel compelled to such an unfulfilling lifestyle.
Robert Thomas Payne. How can you not love this man? I have no doubt that one could sit for hours and hear the countless stories of the life he has lived. His eyes alone tell of quite a journey. Continue pressing forward, friend.

These are the moments I cherish. The moments I hope to relive once again.

the move

2010-08-29T20:14:00.000-05:00

This Sunday evening finds me in my room in Aurora, CO (just outside of Denver). This is the first day I am alone, with no pressing needs or commitments (other than the list of emails that need to be sent and the few stacks of papers waiting to be organized before I can officially say that I am "unpacked.") It's very strange. Since the middle of May I have been going nonstop, living in any given location for no longer than 10 days, carrying a suitcase everywhere I went and often times rotating my belongings in and out of my car. And now I am staying in the home of new friends for the next couple of months until the next steps of my life unfold, hopefully in a space I can call home for an extended period of time. My belongings are now unpacked, hung up, in drawers and on shelves.

So how did I end up here? As I drove away from Atlanta in May, the 'plan' was to work for Kingdom Building Ministries (KBM) for the summer and return to Atlanta for a few weeks as I figured out a move to Charlottesville, VA. I didn't believe that I would end up in Colorado long term. However, with the way my life has unfolded over this year, it wasn't terribly surprising when I made a commitment to remain in Colorado, continuing on with KBM.

When I came to Colorado, my heart was very open and seeking out the next steps God has ordained for my life. The first month was filled with conversations, prayer, tears, listening, hearing, releasing and more seeking. As I reflect on this summer, there were very specific moments that led to the decision - moments of realizing deep connection with KBM, releasing something that I had spoken aloud that I would not do at this stage in my life, 'random' conversations and questions by people I trust. All of these led to a very specific moment, while in the Dominican Republic, hearing the Spirit say, "Rachel, I am calling you to KBM." The couple of months that followed that moment were filled with more conversations and prayer until both KBM and I were on the same page, deciding to move forward immediately following the summer.

There is joy, hope, fear, uncertainty, pain in releasing a different dream, and the steady voice of God asking, "Rachel, do you believe that this is where I have called you to be?" The answer continues to be "yes" and is honestly what is helping me from breaking down at points.

The past few weeks have included a drive to Atlanta and back to get my belongings. My sister, Melissa, and Suzanne joined me for various pieces of that journey. Without them I would be curled up in a ball somewhere on the side of road - probably in Kansas. Suzanne came to Colorado, helped me unpack, dealt with my insanity and final shutdown from exhaustion. A last minute decision took us to Winter Park, CO for a couple of days. There I finally found rest and a little adventure as we made our way back to Denver through the Rocky Mountain National Park on Trail Ridge Road. We returned yesterday and Suzanne flew back to Atlanta this morning.

Today I visited my first church. A deep longing for community arose. It's a longing that demands a little pain and a few tears. There was the realization that I am making this move alone. Along with feeling alone, there is comfort in knowing that the family at KBM is more than I could ask for. Tomorrow is my first day of work. Even though I've been in and out of the office all summer, there are still butterflies and a little fear. These longings and fears will have to sit and wait on a little time to pass.

If this year has taught me anything to this point, it has been that walking in faith isn't a pretty journey. It's not glamorous or steady. My personal mentality to this point has been that I'm stepping out into the unknown, hoping and believing that I am going the places God wants me. Most of the time it's a little )or a lot) illogical and there is only information enough to know the next step, maybe two. But as I look back again, I see nothing less than God providing and affirming time and time again. His provision doesn't make sense and as I look to needs that lay ahead, I hear, almost continually now (as I freak out), "Rachel, do you trust me? Do you believe that I have called you here? Have I met your needs to this point?" My response can be only that of open hands and feet that continue to move forward.

Let the next adventure begin!

colorado. it's official.

2010-08-22T23:07:00.000-05:00

I have moved to Denver. More details to follow soon.

Colorado. Content (July 22)

2010-07-23T00:50:00.002-05:00

Content - the word a dear friend used to describe me after hearing an out pour of information. I had just finished sharing with her a possibly life changing decision and asked if I sounded crazy (that question has been asked numerous times since that conversation). Her response was something along the lines of, “Rachel, I can’t remember that last time you sounded so…content.” Wow. And the truth of that statement rings loudly within my soul.

The past few months have been filled with many unknowns, many last minute decisions, many go-with-the-flow moments. This is a season of standing with my hands wide open and lifted high, embracing whatever God chooses to place before me. Well that’s the desired posture. And with each intentional step of faith, it becomes easier to rest in the unknown and anticipate what will come. Please don’t share this information with just anyone, but I am beginning to enjoy simply living in the moment. I know – crazy.

During another conversation, with another dear friend, I was able to share that, for the first time in awhile, I feel fully alive in what I am doing. There have been so many moments of “This is what I was created for.” What did some of those moments look like? Probably not what you would think…'

- - I cooked breakfast with our host in Haiti at 5am and heard more about her journey and saw the life of a woman surrendered to God’s call on her and her family’s life.

- - Many late nights were spent in hotel rooms and hotel stairways digging deeper. Much laughter, many tears and life changing occurred.

- - The conversations of broken Spanish shared over coffee with a Dominican woman, Mari Claire, in the village of Majaguita, after playing with her daughter for a couple of days, have left a deep imprint on my heart.

- - Images of the poverty and deep brokenness in Haiti grip my soul and will not easily be released.

- - My encounters with UrbanEx in Chicago have forever changed the way my eyes filter the people I encounter. My heart ripped through a barrier and screams to see and love.

- - Working with a team, operating in unity, to take care of all the tasks it takes to pull off a week long camp at a college campus – I was in my element being able to stay in the background and see the missed elements and enter in.

These are the moments I treasure. These are some of the moments that have marked my heart.

These times were not supposed to happen. My plans took me to an entirely different location to an entirely different life. This is where God has called me. For these moments and interactions. By the intense pursuit of God’s grace, my heart is finally (and for this moment) surrendered to the heart of Christ.

My future is still in the process of unfolding. God continues to affirm some things and negate others. It will be a journey of faith. A journey of stepping into the unknown. As long as it lands me in the center of God’s heart for my life, then that is what I will surrender to. I wish there was a different, perhaps deeper way of expressing that. It is in this place, that my soul finds its place of being content. The place of resting in whatever may come next. It’s the feeling of deeply inhaling and exhaling and completing your breath with a deep smile.

Colorado. Driving (July 21)

2010-07-23T00:47:00.000-05:00

I find myself on a bus (of sorts) driving from Denver, CO to Franklin, NE. Tomorrow we will drive the remaining miles to Mishawauka, IN. In case you are curious, there is a lot of nothing on the road from Colorado to Nebraska. A thunderstorm awaits us in the skies ahead and the aroma of prairie and rain lingers in the air. It is very simply…glorious.

It’s been awhile since the last time new words have made their way to this page. But not for lack of life or desire. Again, decisions were made to pursue rare moments of rest or engage in the life going on around me. The past few weeks have been very full and ushered me to the Dominican Republic, Haiti, Indiana, Chicago, Minneapolis and back to Colorado. Amazing stories will be shared (along with pictures) over the next few weeks.

The Experience is now over and the four girls that I have grown to love and treasure have returned home. As they journey back to the life they are familiar with, they return with new hearts that have encountered the love of Christ in life changing ways. And my life will not be the same as it once was. I have been forever marked by their presence.

Today’s drive is launching the last summer program with Kingdom Building Ministries – 16 Days. The team that is traveling together now will meet up with eight high school students in Indiana. From there we will travel to Chicago, Minneapolis, Franklin Nebraska, and Denver Colorado. Our hope is that over these next days they encounter God in deep ways that forever impact their response to the life they have been gifted with.

Colorado. 2:30 am

2010-06-07T03:41:00.000-05:00

It is currently 2:30 in the morning the day we are leaving for the Domincan Republic and Haiti. The day has been more than filled - a consistent theme of the week. I just finished packing and showering about 20 minutes ago and have been trying to get some last minute communications put together and sent out. Since we are meeting at 4:30, I have resigned myself to the fact that I will not be sleeping tonight.

This past week has been incredible. The phrase "going non stop" has been redefined for me and I have seen how it is possbile to be beyond exhausted and still living so full of life and joy. The girls who have come for The Experience are so incredible and it's been really good living life with them and watching them discover new truth each day. There is always much laughter as we live life together - almost every waking minute of every day.

The team I am working with has been really amazing - especially the other female coach, Laura. From our first conversation in February, we have seen how God has been extremely intentional in bringing our paths together for a time. There are many similaries - such as walking a journey of redemption are using whatever excuse available to consume ice cream. She has taught me so much already and it's been so amazing serving together and pouring into the lives of the girls on this team.

The next couple of weeks I will be in the Dominican Republic. I'm really excited about it. And I'm sure that after a few hours of sleep, my face will reflect that excitement. After a little over a week, we will journey across the island and into Haiti to work with Global Partners with the distaster relief effort. While there's much excitement, I know that both of these places will bring a new understanding into the brokenness of the world we live in. At times I find myself extremely overwhelmed with the bigness of the need and wonder how a team of nine can possibly make an impact. And then I am reminded that it's one life at a time and that God has called us to this time and place. So I have no idea what these next few weeks will hold, but I have much hopeful anticipaton.

I'll be posting again when I get back in the country and hopefully there will be some pictures to accompany the fun stories. See you soon!

Colorado. It has begun!

2010-05-25T16:06:00.000-05:00

I am now in Colorado. And it's AMAZING! But let me back up a little...

Since my last post I have been packing, spending quality time with friends, losing my mind and traveling across the country. And it has all been very good. As I look back over the past few weeks I am blown away (and many times left in stunned silence) by the support and encouragement of both friends and family. I would not be here without them and I'm confident that their support will help carry me through this summer.

I arrived in the Denver area on Saturday, May 15th. The time since then has been filled with playing with kids, designing curriculum templates, hanging out with families, eating ice cream, spending a weekend in the mountains, meeting new people, living with a family of 8, planning activities, and the list goes on. It's been nonstop, but not draining.

To be honest, I arrived with some apprehension and uncertainty about what this summer will hold. Over the past week, God has been slowing removing those pieces and replacing them with a deep peace and growing excitement for what is to come. I'm even to the point where even though I don't have all the details, I'm not going crazy - which is huge.

A quick snap shot of the next month or so...

May 27-28 - Training

May 28-June 6 - Students will be arriving for a 60 day program

June 7-24 - Dominican Republic & Hati

June 24-July 2 - Bethel College in Indiana for a High School summer camp

The goal is to update fairly often and hopefully they will be a little deeper then, "Hey - here's the facts of what's been going on." But at least this is a starting point.

Calm? Not really.

2010-05-06T22:45:00.000-05:00

Maybe one day I will be able to be as calm and collected as I wish I could be. But that day is most definitely not today. If I said everything that actually went on in my head when I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed....well we just won't really think about it.

I leave Atlanta in 4 days and begin the journey to Colorado. It's amazing at how established a person can get in a a short time. And to be honest, I'm not a huge fan of change. I mean I get bored with monotony and like to mix things up every once in awhile, but this whole being uprooted and moving into completely unknown and unfamiliar territory - not exactly my strength. So my mind races and my body strains to keep up with the thoughts. I keep randomly getting up to go write something down so I don't forget it. Or go do something so that it's not left undone. Rest is almost impossible at this point - just ask my roommate. Today I actually got a little sad when I realized that it wasn't the best decision for me to engage in an activity that can be very calming for me - cleaning. I didn't have time to vacuum. It's a little pathetic.

In all of the insanity, the lists, the errands, the searching for lost shot records, and the jobs, there is people. Ah...can't forget the people. And with people comes an intense struggle to be present. To be able to lay aside "everything that needs to be done" and share space and time with the people around me I love. The stress is so intense right now that conversation is actually physically difficult. I'm not joking. My heart rate increases when I think about having to talk. Absurd, right?

But in the moments when I let my heart speak, I am reminded that this path has been set before me. It is right. God continues to make that abundantly clear. And there are glimmers of peace. Now if I can just keep my head attached to my heart...

Hopefully over these next few days I will choose to not the stress have the last word. Hopefully there will be good conversation, laughter shared, and maybe a few tears shed. Hopefully there will be life lived.

a new hobby?

2010-04-29T20:52:00.000-05:00

Awhile ago I told Suzanne that if she would write about her new adventures in running, I would write about whatever topic she chose. Well she came through on her end of the deal. After taking quite awhile to decide, the topic came through - write about this picture.

The quick synopsis - I really enjoy shooting a gun! Yes. I'm serious. It makes me giddy excited. I love the focus required and the stress relief it provides. Now I realize this may sound a little strange, so let me explain.

Suzanne, Melissa and I recently ventured to Memphis, TN for what ended up being an amazing few days of deep soul searching and seeking God's heart. In the middle of all of that we had an adventure. We went to a shooting range. Diane had booked a private class for us. Our instructor's name was Chip and the man new his stuff. He had so much patience with all of us as we had never shot a gun before.

We started off with a .22 rifle and shot a couple of rounds. SO FUN! Then I asked him what was his favorite gun to shoot. A .45 Winchester pistol. And he wanted to know if we wanted to shoot it. I mean, was there even a question? It was pretty incredible!

a little early

2010-04-02T21:57:00.000-05:00

Growing up, Easter was a day - an important one, but it was only one day. During the time I have been a part of the dcf family, it has become so much more. There is this season of lent that I didn't really get. And Holy Week? What? Needless to say, I have been learning much over the past few years.

To be quite honest, the Lenten season is a pretty disjointed and disconnected time. This has been the case since it became a piece of my faith journey. Something never seems quite right. The practice either abstained from or adopted rarely fully plays out and this year has been no exception.

As Holy Week began unfolding, my spirit because very weary. I was haunted with old fears and was so uncomfortable with this nagging feeling of "this isn't right". Each day I came home from work, sat at my desk and found tears of the verge of spilling over. Yet there was so specific reason. But life had really lost much joy.

This week, Winn posted a Blessing for Death. It screamed at me. It beckoned me. And if I am honest, it spoke to my deepest desire, to embrace death. To surrender - to 'fling aside' - the things that hinder my heart from knowing Christ. And so, very simply, I asked to know what needed to die.

Yesterday frustration and guilt became my companions as I briefly reflected on my poor demonstration of commitment during Lent, along with a disconnectedness of the season we are in. In that mess, a quiet voice called out and invited me to join Him on the journey He had for me during these last few days. How can I say no?

It has been a journey of redemption during the past hours. A call to die to the stress of my schedule and make some changes because it has been stealing life. Music carries tears of brokenness along with smiles of deep peace and knowledge of a very present and alive Savior. Humility comes out of grace and mercy demonstrating that my merit is not the determining factor of the level of love demonstrated.

My Christ has been so gentle and tender with me. For an undeserved reason, Jesus is caring for me in ways I have never known. I know the abiding presence of my Savior.

And even though it's a little early, I will boldly proclaim:
Alleluia! Christ is risen!

An Update

2010-03-17T22:35:00.000-05:00

It's one of those nights. I tried to go to sleep almost an hour ago and finally opened my eyes and admitted that I am wide awake and don't really anticipate going to sleep in the near future. That's a little unfortunate seeing that I have to get up early, but oh well. So what does one do when they can't sleep? Well I'm not really sure because I'm usually a hit-the-pillow-and-fall-asleep kind of person. I decided to listen to the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack and update the blog. There are several things that have been roaming around in my head, but for my current state of mind, I think this will simply be an update of life in Atlanta.

It's been so good. Truly.

As I said in a previous post, I quit my job and decided to move for no 'logical' reason. The adventure began with a move to Atlanta for a few months to be followed with a summer with Kingdom Building Ministries in Denver, CO. But what did those few months in Atlanta hold? I had absolutely no clue, and still really don't. But I do know that I'm exactly where I need to be.

The first month here began with a very quick trip to Denver to spend a couple of days at Kingdom Building Ministries. I will simply say that it was the most beautifully overwhelming three days I have had in a long time. I'm totally jazzed about this summer!

After the trip began this month of rest. No really. I having been resting. And learning how to remain disciplined with no specific schedule or responsibilities. I signed up with a temp agency. Maintained a steady workout schedule. Had the opportunity to work on a contract project that I absolutely loved. Babysat the most adorable little boy. Helped a friend organize and finish unpacking (more on that later).
Spent some time being still. And that about covers it.

Nothing life altering has happened. Well a season of rest is life altering for me, but not necessarily exciting to the rest of the world. In the middle of this has been a deep sense of peace and goodness. In all of the unknown, I have never been more sure of God's direction for me. And if anyone understands that, please explain it to me. Several people have asked how I've been doing. After the regular response of "I'm doing well" and giving a few details, there's the sense of not really answered the intended question. Usually my response is then, "I'm still completely confident that this is the place God has for me right now." That is followed by a sigh of relief. And what is beautiful is the full truth of it all.

Quick update on the present -
This week I began a month long assignment working for The News Group doing some data input. It's a great project and I will be working 40 hours a week. I'm really grateful for the job and that it's a great overall situation. I'm also babysitting - usually once a week - and I love it. KBM is giving me the opportunity to help out with some curriculum prep for this coming summer. It's wonderful to see God providing very basic needs and also providing avenues for me to be involved in things I'm deeply passionate about.

And that's where I'm at.

wood and paint

2010-02-26T15:02:00.000-05:00

This manikin has been sitting, for a long time in a box, untouched, glaring at me. There was a project associated with it - to paint the manikin in a way that reveals "your sense of or hope for what God has in mind for you to be." That was in May of 2009 - awhile ago. At first I was really excited about this project. Expression through art is not something regularly attempt, so it had potential to be fun.

I quickly realized that I didn't know what I was hoping for God to have in mind for me to be. Fear captured my heart every time I thought about it. It's silly that a piece of wood could have that effect. But silly or not, it happened. And I wanted to know why.

Why was I terrified to seek God's heart for me? Two main answers.

Answer #1 -

My natural inclination is to shy away from, or avoid hoping. I was a proud member of the 'hope breeds disappointment' club and was not about to release my membership. This has been an ongoing theme throughout my life that is often revisited. The past year has included the journey of a plan daring to be pursued, and then that plan being changed more than once with an end result that looks nothing like what I imagined. And yet it is full of so much goodness.

During a recent conversation with a friend, we were talking about burying dreams and how in doing so, you are also burying apart of yourself and stripping a piece of life away. We also concluded that it is better to feel the pain of an unfulfilled dream, than it is to experience the numbness of nothingness.

God is teaching me to hope - to trust the desires of my heart as God-breathed. He is also teaching me to hold those dreams loosely. Such a fine balance.

Answer #2 -

What if there is nothing beautiful to express?

I believe God often expresses His heart, in beauty and love, through His people. Simply look for it and you will see it. For me, I see it in a friend's paintings, other friends' photographs, words - spoken or written, laughter, music...and the list goes on. I see all of this beauty and I want God's desire for me to be a piece of that expression of Himself. This will probably be a battle I will wrestle with for some time, but this I do know - God delights in His people yearning for Him to reveal Himself through them.

Back to the manikin.

Atlanta, among other things, has been a place of time and space. Of a slower pace. Of learning to be disciplined and intentional with what I decide to do. In that time and space, there is room to experience quiet. To listen. And now I have a raw hope for the person I believe God is molding me into.

My hope, is to live with my hands lifted up in joyful surrender. To radiate an expression of a God's heart. And maybe, just maybe, learn to dance without fear.

As this hope evolved, an image also began to unfold of how I wanted to paint my manikin. Last night I sat down and attempted to make that reality. The finished product is maybe 50% of the image in my head, partly due to some necessary in-the-moment adjustments. And I'm okay with that. It seems a little too fitting.

move #1: Atlanta

2010-02-08T09:27:00.000-05:00

I have officially moved to Atlanta. It's crazy! Honestly, it still doesn't seem to be a reality. This weekend my wonderful friends, Monica and Melissa helped me move my stuff to Suzanne's apartment. The time together was also used to celebrate Suzanne's birthday complete with Clemson Basketball (tough loss), taco dip and amazing homemade ice cream!

So what am I doing in Atlanta? Well it's a bit of an interesting story. Originally, the plan was to move to Charlottesville the first of February. But after that plan was set in motion, an organization in Denver, Kingdom Building Ministries asked me to consider being a part of their summer team and after wrestling through what to do, I accepted. By this point I had already submitted my resignation at work and found myself with a 3 month space of time to fill and a lot of unanswered questions. After more prayer and research and listening, I made the decision to move to Atlanta until the first of May, when I will go to Denver until mid August.

Honestly, I'm really excited about this time. I'm excited about a new season. About living with a very dear friend for a few months. Excited that all of this feels very right even though I have absolutely no clue how anything will unfold.

There's definitely sadness in leaving what I know and love well. The week leading up to moving day was filled with friends and feeling absolutely covered in love by people who have become my family. There will most likely be a posting about that in the near future.

This is the brief synopsis. My goal is to keep this updated as much as I can throughout this next year. Who knows, maybe it will become a habit and I don't need to be called out as one who hasn't updated in six months. No promises though.

new year's resolution? no.

2010-01-12T00:14:00.002-05:00

I don't like new year's resolutions. Really. I think that I have failed at every single one I have ever set for myself. And honestly, who needs the disappointment? However, in my disdain of resolutions I have embraced the mentality to simply pass over the offering of a new season and continue on with my busy life. Probably not the best alternative. Some friends of mine have adopted the practice of a word of the year. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that either. But I think I like it. There is something beautifully intentional about it and yet does not bind you to a specific habit that taunts failure. So I think I am going to do a trial run with this 'word of the year' idea.

Open.

This past Sunday evening I gathered with the All Souls community of believers in Charlottesville. It was a very sweet time. As the time unfolded, I found myself noticing the space that we occupied. It's located in the heart of downtown. The wall to the outside is glass. It is very open. The seats are arranged such that they overlook the downtown mall a bit while also are position towards each other, in a sort of broad semi circle. It's very open. I remembered how it unnerved me a bit the last time I had been there. Made me feel a little uncomfortable. But I now found myself decidedly loving the space. For it's openness. It's honesty. It's desire and intentionality to be with the city. And I could go on. But that's where the word first came. Open.

Tonight a group women gathered in a space-made-sacred (that included coffee and chocolate) to intentionally pursue the heart of Christ through the meditation of Scripture. I'm always a bit wary during times like this. Will God really reveal himself? Will I fabricate something out of my own selfish desire? But over the past couple of years, I have been learning that, for me, expectation is actually a beautiful expression of hope and that God delights in our expectation of him. Through the words of the Gospel of John and space given over for reflection, this word 'open' revisited me.

There are details of my current journey that reveal why this word, as both an adjective and verb would be difficult for me to adopt as my own, but they will wait for a later time. For now, God is calling me to be open. Open to change. To the unknown. Open to who God has made me and is molding me into. Open to express. Open to receive love and in turn, be open to love others well.

I'm not exactly sure how the next chapter of my life will unfold. This next year will be an exercise of faith and trust. And it's my hearts to desire to respond with my hands and heart open to whatever may come.

As requested...

2009-06-30T20:27:00.003-05:00

After quite an electronic assault and a couple of favorite bloggers going on strike because of my silence, I am revisiting the world of blogging. Hopefully this blog won't qualify as "fake" or "wimpy ass." My friends, if you stop writing, then I won't have anything to read...

This is a feeble attempt at reentering the blogging community as a participant and not solely a consumer -

First, let me explain the reason behind why I have been silent for so long - time. Poor excuse, I know. However, my time over the past year has been limited in every capacity and I intentionally made a decision to invest my time in other ways. The thought of putting effort into composing some sort of logical conglomeration of words has daunting.

Which leads to another reason - a difficult path I've been walking. This past year has been filled with quite a bit of struggle, questioning, fear, lonliness and uncertainty. Not exactly the topics I care to dwell on any more than necessary. However, I am slowly being drawn into a season that seems to be carrying hope and new life. So there is hope that this post is not simply an effort to bring an end to the current blogging strike of desired voices.

But Carin is right - there have been several events of this past year that deserve honorable mention...

Cooper River Bridge Run - my birthday present from Carin. It was a dream of mine that after eight years of dreaming finally came true. It was incredible!

SNOW! An amazing amount of snow fell in SC. And it was beautiful.

A trip to Florida to visit my Pop Pop. My dad was also there and it was great to spend some quality time with the two of them.

A fantastic trip to Hilton Head with a couple of good friends. Yes. It is freezing and we are on the beach. Yes. That is the alligator that almost ate Suzanne.

A visit from my sister...so good!!!

Other honorable mentions:

An amazing trip to Colorado
Birthday celebration in Atlanta
Finding out I have Celiac Disease (no more bread, my friends)
Shopping on Black Friday
A run in the rain that I will never forget. Carin wanted me to abandon her and Monica had to come pick us up. (You might get this full story later)
A few fantastic trips to Virginia
My friend being really sick. Followed by my friend being healed after a year and a half.
Friends moving - a lot of them. And I miss them more than I thought I would. I should probably let them know.
A successful trip to see my family over Christmas. This was truly monumental.

The past year has been very busy and full. The next year already promises to hold many adventures.

I have to admit it....

Melissa, Justin, Erin, Suzanne and Carin - I actually enjoyed this. And I will TRY to continue posting. But if I post too often people really wouldn't know what to do, so I have to find a fine balance.

I have caved to the social pressure. SO STOP HARASSING ME!!!!!!!!!! Erin, it's all up to you now.